It’s the most worrisome time of the year. Christmas is rapidly approaching, and the deadline is looming for picking out just the right present. Perfection may be setting the bar a tad too high. Avoiding a present that bombs may be a more attainable goal.
Let’s admit it. Each of us has received that head shaking, eye rolling, “What were they thinking of?” gift at some point in life. While I’ve forgotten the gifts relatives sent that I oohed and aahed over as a child, I’ll never forget the awful gift sent by an out of state aunt who shall remain nameless to avoid bloodshed within the bloodline. For some unknown reason, she thought that my siblings and I would be over the moon about receiving socks for Christmas. Yes, I said SOCKS. These weren’t fancy socks with any particular design or theme. No, sir. These were just plain and simple socks. Give my aunt a “P” for “practical” but not for “perfect.” Needed? Yes. Nice? No kid in his/her right mind would think so. But the present did get used.
Not that I am in a gift-giving relationship with any of these people, but I’ve given some thought to the practical presents that I’d buy for some famous folks. Their reaction might be like mine to the socks I received, but methinks these gifts are quite apropos and needed. On my shopping list would be the following:
1. Donald Trump–a mouthguard. No, he doesn’t play basketball, but this presidential candidate’s often inflammatory and outrageous statements indicate that he needs something to restrain his mouth, at least long enough for his brain to be engaged before he opens it.
2. Caitlyn Jenner–her picture on a box of cereal. She’s not an athlete like her alter ego, Bruce, but she has broken new ground with her gender change. How about her likeness on a box of SHEaties?
3, Lamar Odom–a name tag. This athlete’s name is well known to the world for his basketball prowess and his marriage to one of the K sisters. However, due to his cocaine snorting, he can’t always remember who he is and may need a handy prompt.
4. Barack Obama–a gift certificate for a transition assistance program. He’s the sitting president now, but he’s also a lame duck. The clock Is ticking for his eviction from the White House. What to do next? From Obamacare he’ll switch to Obamawhere?
5. Alex Skarlatos–a recording of “Love Train.” This American hero took action against a terrorist on a train. He then rode his resulting fame to a gig on “Dancing With The Stars.” Why not put that fancy footwork he learned to use advocating for peace through a meaningful dance to the O’Jay’s “Love Train?”
6. Josh Duggar–an Internet filter. His family rose to fame on a cable channel show, but he spent more time trolling for hookups via Ashley Madison or viewing porn than he did viewing wholesome fare such as “19 Kids And Counting.” The key is selectivity in what you’re watching, Josh.
7. Tom Brady–a pump. What better way to avoid controversies such as Deflategate than to have your own personal pump to keep those pigskins at the proper pressure?
8. Jared Fogle–a scale. We all know the ex-Subway pitchman lost a huge amount of weight by eating at Subway. With his predilection for child porn and sex with youngsters, Jared’s continued to lose; however, this time it is his job as Subway pitchman, his wife, his family, his freedom, etc. Perhaps he should have weighed his decisions more carefully.
9. Kim Kardashian–a serving tray. Mrs. West’s bare bottom was seen from east to west coast on the Internet holding up a champagne bottle. Poor thing apparently spent all her untold wealth on clothes she doesn’t wear and had nowhere else to put her bottle of bubbly. Obviously her newborn son is the only Saint in that household.
10. Jennifer Garner–a nanny cam. As if splitting from hubby Ben wasn’t bad enough, Jennifer learned that Ben had been a very bad boy with their nanny. Forget keeping an eye on the kids, you’d better be watching what the nanny is up to!
11. Dr. Ben Carson–a campaign t-shirt. The good doctor always appears well dressed, but a political campaign screams for a t-shirt to attract attention and support. His could read, “Separated conjoined twins and can put this country back together!”
12. Mark Zuckerberg–a new social media site. Now that the Facebook CEO has added a bundle of joy to his family to go along with the bundle of money he’s made on Facebook, Mark needs to expand his offering to increase his earning potential. Raising kids, especially girls, can be very expensive. He ought to have Baby Facebook where adorable pictures of tots can be posted. Daughter Max can be the poster child of Baby Facebook. It’s never too soon to get your child involved in the family business.
Thankfully, I didn’t have to spend my 12 days of Christmas rounding up excellent gifts for the elite. While my ruminations may be humorous, the bottom line is perceptive. Instead of giving folks what they say that want, it may be better in the long run to present them with something fitting and beneficial which will be used and not mothballed or re-gifted. Ho! Ho! Ho! Meaningful Christmas Presents!
WONDER-ing WOMAN -- Alice H. Murray 